Peaches This Shit Aint Muthafcking Funny
***Spoilers be falling through the roof, one-half dead and ready to deliver the fade***
Flavor: 6 / Episode: 5 / HBO
So yo, afterward Game of Thrones gave us their version of Lemonade last week by the women characters running shit and putting these lames on their back and carrying them through emotional graveyards, can nosotros expect more of that?
Sigh. Permit'south get into this shit, yo. Sansa stitching together another piece for the Jump Catalog when a raven comes from the Eyrie. And since Robin Aryn can't write four words without having to be burped first, you know this shit came from Peter Roman Polanski Baelish. They encounter in Mole's Town (appropriate) and Littlefinger thought he was about to talk that shit till he turned around and Sansa walked in the muthafuckin room with Brienne the Dream Killer standing behind her. Yo, this is similar the inverse of the Birdman and the Breakfast Club situation. Sometimes you walk into a scenario thinking you know exactly how it's going to go, but that shit plough around on you and so gotdamn quick, 30 seconds in you similar, "what, what the hell is happening right now?"
Props to Sansa man. Fuck these dudes. Seriously. If y'all Sansa, Ned Stark should exist the concluding fucking XY chromosome yous trusted in these Westerosi Streets. If she claimed a small island off the coast, called it Themyscira and commanded her boyfriend women to slaughter every man that stepped pes there, who could blame her? She out here spittin' the hot bars to Littlefinger about how he set up her upward with Ramsay which either makes him an idiot for non knowing near Ramsay or her enemy for knowing and sending her into the lion's den. She DJing the party that Littlefinger wants to leave so bad.
What do you think he did to me?
Peter: I uh…
What practise you think he did?
Peter: Well, um I imagine he–
What do you lot think he did?
She even sampled Brienne one fourth dimension on the rails when Baelish wasn't speaking fast enough with "Lady Stark asked you a question." Maaaan, listen. I'm bold most of y'all ain't done the shit that Littlefinger is, but we all been in a situation where we knowingly fucked up and the person who suffered because of information technology showed up to see u.s. in Mole Town for the explicit purpose of collecting our fade. And y'all know what you lot did, y'all let that shit happen. Cuz you lot might exist a great person, but for a moment, you ain't shit. And for this side by side monologue, you own't gonna be shit. You just gotta take them scratches and alive to dance reckless at the party another day.
Peter trying to repent to Sansa, but she basically hits dude with "Is nosotros finished or is we done?"
The other full blooded Stark that isn't fucking useless is getting her preparation in at the House of Blackness and White. Yo. Bobcut has said maybe 30 words this season, but she done probably left about 35 welt marks on our girl. Gotdamn, Arya. How y'all let Bobcut beat the Jesus sandals off of yous like that? Then she go unarmed and whoops your donkey even worse? You lot catchin' uppercuts? With your teeth. Assassin, please. I dearest Arya, but she out here letting Stick down, man.
Not-Jacqen takes Arya to the Hall of Faces. He sends Arya on another mission because final time she played Assassinator's Creed, she did the optional bonus mission and forget to the practice the main quest. Arya is tasked with killing an extra, so she goes to the street play and scopes this shit out Amanuensis 47 style. Human being, look, don't no Stark blood run through my veins and this shit was all the fashion offensive. Arya laughing at Robert Baratheon getting killed by a boar like she own't got season 1 on Bluray and don't know what comes next. Once this play gets to episode nine, gonna be a whole lot of slow singin' and flower bringin'.
A girl has no name doing some recon work which ways she got exposed to a dude with two warts on his penis and a dude half quoting Constantin Stanislavski (I know there be dragons and shit, just continue my real world and your cruel fantasy world separate Thrones). She peeps that her target likes to get tipsy off the rum and figures that's the best way to do the deed. She tells Not-Jacqen the programme while also maxim "she seems like a decent woman." To which Not-Jacqen drops the truest bars:
Bran catching up on his Netflix Que once more and he scoping out "The Children" as they look like they about to play a really intense game of Duck-Duck-Goose. Until this heifer grabs a dagger that looks like information technology carved the fucking commandments and approaches a dude tied up and bare breast on a stone tablet. She pushes that shit into his chest until his optics plough blue and the and you tin hear the water ice automobile turn on his breast.
What in all fucks, man? How you just gonna make information technology snow White Walkers, yo? She talkin' about they had to do this shit because Men were slaughtering them and burning all the trees. Human, if you thought Pull a fast one on News didn't like The Lorax when it dropped, imagine if them orange muthafuckas created ogres that started slaughtering and terrifying capitalists. This shit is all bad, fam.
Yo, I fux with the Atomic number 26 Islands and Yara (Asha if you book nasty) Greyjoy is one of my favorite characters, but these bastards all standing by the body of water and this shit looks like it smells like a pound total of wet animals, b. How you lot surrounded by this much water, but none of y'all look similar you bathe regularly? It's the King's Moot and the Greyjoys are choosing someone for the Salt Throne. Nobody speaks up then Yara walks up in the spot like, "I got the dagger back. Papa, they said you dead and gone, and so I estimate I got the islands dorsum." Some fuckboy is like, we've never had a Queen. Yara like, yeah and maybe that's why if the Not bad Houses are the 10-Men, nosotros are the fuckin' Zilch of the crew. Nobody takes us seriously because our powers can exist replaced by a Google Translator app on your smartphone.
So Fuckboy #ii says Yara can't be considered because the male person heir, Theon is continuing right there. Theon is similar…Something, something, something, I left my member and my ambition back in the kennels of Winterfell. Yara got this shit. Seriously though, Theon is spittin' that shit and he got the oversupply on Yara's side similar B-Rabbit.
That is until Euron Greyjoy walk upwards in the spot with his make Thruway Great Again hat on. Look, I make some stretches for comparison and analogies and shit, just how is Euron Greyjoy not fucking Donald Trump yo. Dude comes in, makes rough jokes, has misogynist behavior, and has big empty promises. I'm going to build the biggest fleet yous e'er seen How? Because I've seen the globe THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN Mean? I suppose yous gonna make the North pay for that armada besides? And this muthafucka positions himself every bit an outsider because he was away when shit got crude? I'1000 too through man. I don't know if Yara is Rubio or Kasich in this scenario, just when they started chanting Euron's proper name, she had to exist looking around similar, how the fuck did I lose the primary off THAT shit?
They swearing your male child in to Drowned God, but Yara, Theon and half the damn armada have seen enough.
What is dead may never die and what is gone when y'all come up for air may take taken your fucking ships. So, Yara had the pop vote and enough folks to steal a fucking fleet, only Euron won by…electoral college? Assistance me out, fam. Euron basically tells everyone to go home and burn their own crib to build more than ships. I tin't possibly see anything going wrong with his term on the Salt Throne.
Daenerys looking out over the lands of the Dothraki and she got the look on her face that says, "I actually desire to be progressive and give liberals something to cheer for, but I just tin't terminate making brown people bow at my anxiety." She got a dilemma with Jorah because he keep violating restraining orders to save her life. Jorah says she has to ship him away considering he has a hereafter in skipping himself across ponds. Jorah confesses to being in love with her and begins to leave before Daenerys commands him to stay.
Or really get out. And and then, become better by finding a cure. From become a statue. Yeah, I'm confused too. I mean, he could just coil with her and when he petrifies, she could just put him out front of Rex's Landing as a monument. I'k sayin', you gotta work with what you're handed, yo.
Tyrion and Varys patting themselves on the dorsum for selling themselves out to the slavers in commutation for peace. With Daenerys non in that location, they still need a voice that can speak to people and keep them at bay. Tyrion's bright idea is to get a red priestess that can come in and speak gospel to the people…until she beginning talking about dragons purifying the not-believers. Maaaaaan, heed. This shit went "and now my best homo is going to make a speech oh shit, I didn't realize he'south drunk, oh god he simply hit on my new mother-in-constabulary, Lord Jesus he merely asked the Maid of Accolade what that mouth do" plot twist real quick. Varys is mad skeptical about the priestess because he heard this shit before when Stannis was the supposed promised one. He didn't even get to the role where he asks her how quondam she really is. Naw man, after seeing Melisandre go Benjamin Button, I'm asking for ID on every Red priest and priestess I see like we passed voting restriction laws in Meereen fam. Of course, that ain't the end, cuz the priestess starts READING Varys like a gotdamn Lemonade call up-piece. Shit was stressful, human. I wasn't sure if Varys was gonna clapback at her or just curl into a ball and outset sobbing at her feet…
Bran still chillin' in the cavern where the Dark Crystal be and the remainder of the Gelflings. He tin can't get the Three Eyed Raven to wake up, so this dude just gonna plug in his usb port and become to boondocks. He out here walking in snow, same tree he saw Ice King Magneto's origin story from before. He turn effectually and there's a whole fucking army of dead muthafuckas behind him. Shit lookin' like rapper'southward careers immediately after they fell in love with Erykah Badu. So Bran gets snatched up by Ice Rex Magneto himself and wakes upwards screaming in the cave. Three Eyed Raven is like, YOU HAD ONE GOTDAMN Task BRAN! Raven says he's gotta give Bran the cheat lawmaking real quick cuz Ice Male monarch Magneto is coming for him.
Sansa is applied science the comeback and she gotta fight to make sure these dudes ain't talking past her. She tells Brienne that she's sending her to River Run to gather the Tullys in their regular army. Brienne is like, yo, Stannis and the Red Woman, nah, I don't like that shit.
They 'bout to ride off but not before your boy Tormund keep making eye optics at Brienne.
For existent, this shit been going on for three episodes now, Tormund got hit with the fucking thunderbolt from The Godfather.
But Brienne is like Wildling, if you don't put those eyes back in your muthafuckin' head. She don't want nobody, fuckin' with here in these streets. Ain't nobody got fourth dimension for that.
So, past "yous all must leave now" apparently what the Three Eyed Raven meant was, "I guess we got time to finish this movie before Ice Male monarch Magneto gets hither to manus evangelize the fade." Meera is getting them prepared to blow the spot when she notice that the temperature has dropped about 30 degrees in 10 seconds. She runs outside to see that Ice King Magneto washed brought ALL the mutants with him. Gotdamn man. Uber that fucking responsive in Westeros? These dudes showed up like the cave was the only place selling the iPhone with no pre-guild necessary. So I say this all the time, just for existent this time, THINGS ARE AS BAD Every bit THEY'VE EVER BEEN.
Ice King put his mark in the snow and done apple-pie the doorway of all the magic, so now they 'bout to rush the spot like SWAT. It is non a fucking game human and Bran done fell asleep watching Penny Dreadful over again. They can't get dude to wake upwardly for shit. Exterior, the homeless Princess Peach coiffure throwing malatovs and fireballs and shit, but they ain't doing no damage to the starting five of White Walkers rolling up the middle. Inside, the wights penetrated the roof and these dudes making it pelting zombies in the cavern.
Bran Still sleep doe…
Hodor rocking dorsum and along like he's either scared shitless or about to driblet the hottest poesy in the N, but he just waiting for his plough with the mic. Bran, in his warg, can hear Meera tell him to warg into Hodor, which he does, so that Hodor can carry him out. Princess Peach Crew dying left and right trying to ensure Bran's escape…
…which brings me to Summertime.
Okay seriously, I'k fucking washed, yo. Omar said this shit when Rickon got caught, if my direwolf dies protecting me, that means I'thou expressionless also. What the fuck is happening man?!?! Direwolves out here getting merked like characters on TV shows that aren't cishet white dudes. I don't empathise how this is possible. Direwolves supposed to be the shit and some wights overwhelm him like that. I own't even a dog person like that, but I'm fed upwards. Fuckin' Starks don't deserve pets man. If Rickon ever get a PS4 and starts playing Fallout 4, if he picks dogmeat every bit his companion, I"m slapping the fucking controller out of his hand. YOU ARE NOT WORTHY. Forget the loyalty and nobility to a fault. The biggest fault of the Ned and Caitlin Stark was not educational activity their children the value of taking intendance of their pets man.
Meera, Leaf and Bran driving stick shift on Hodor are running for the leave. Leaf sacrifices her self Terminator ii fashion and takes some wights with her.
Three Eyed Raven gets the King's Justice while Meera, Bran and Hodor finally make it outside. But the wights are still coming and then someone gotta hold the door. Hold the Door. Man they own't gonna make information technology. Concord the Door. But Bran still in the past lookin at immature Willis. Hold the Door. Meera takes the sled and starts getting abroad from the cave. Concord the Door. So Bran can hear Meera yelling at Hodor in the past which means that young Willis tin can hear it likewise. Agree the door. Expect. Hold the door. You mean to fucking tell me. Hold The door. Is this dude Willis seizing out? Hold the Door. That this cat stuck in the time loop? Hold the Door.
And Meera and Bran are getting away while Hold the Door getting stabbed past wights? Hold the door. Are you telling me. Concur the Door. Fucking jokes? HoldDoor. What kind of Fourth dimension is a Flat Circumvolve shit is this? Holddoor. Just so we're clear. Holdoor. Three Eyed Raven. Hodor. Homeless Princess Peach and her backup singers, The Fireballs. Hodor. Summertime, my direwolf I hate it had to be yous. Hodor. Are fucking dead because Bran. Hodor. Was out hither ghostriding the warg mad reckless. Hodor. This some ol. Hodor. Bullshit, fam. Hodor. "The North Remembers. Hodor. That fourth dimension Bran. Hodor. Simultaneously fucked up the by and the futurity. Hodor." They deserved better than this, human being. Hodor. Nosotros all deserved better than this.
Are you lot following Black Nerd Bug on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr or Google+?
Source: https://blacknerdproblems.com/game-of-thrones-recap-the-door/
0 Response to "Peaches This Shit Aint Muthafcking Funny"
Post a Comment